Loss and Life
by Lu78
Summary: Don't know where this one came from but hey, i'll give it a shot. When the tragic happens, who can she turn to? CJLeo implied.
1. Chapter 1

What do you do when your life comes crashing down around you? It comes crashing down around you but no one can know just how much you hurt inside. That's what happened to me when that phone call came through. I had to pull myself together pretty quickly I order to tell the President the news. I had to be the strong one, but how long could I keep the façade up.

The coming days and weeks were tough. His funeral especially. I consoled who needed to be consoled and at night I went home and bawled my eyes out. My man, my Leo was gone, never to return again. My heart felt like it shattering into a million little pieces and would never be full again. I just had to make it through till January then I'd be all right.

I couldn't concentrate on work; it was hard being in the office that once belonged to him, expecting him to walk through the door with his smile and wanton look in his eyes. No one knew about us, it was better that way. We had been together since just before his second heart attack. I was truly in love for the first time in my life. He made me feel special, in the way no man has ever done that before. Who will make me feel special now?

Christmas was a blur. I found myself in the office on the day, not really in the mood to celebrate with anyone. The President found me there after; he Abby and the girls had finished their meal. He said he wanted some alone time in his old friends office, but instead he found me there working hard on something not that important. "Claudia Jean." He had started. "What are you doing here on Christmas day? Why aren't you with the ones you love?"

My heart almost broke all over again when he asked me that but again I had to keep a false face on the matter. "My brother and his family have gone skiing this year and I didn't have the time to take off and go with them." That was the truth but in all honesty I don't think I could have faced Christmas with the happy family. Watching the children opening their presents and all the merriment that went along with it. Not this year. "How was your day sir?"

"Lovely thank you CJ, just wanted a little quiet time in here, needed to remember a dear friend."

"Well I'll let you have the room." I said before darting from the office before he could say anything else.

I never thought that I would survive, but I did. January came and went and with it America had a new President and my friends had jobs that they loved and were happy with one another. Josh and Donna had finally admitted they loved each other. Watching them together made me feel jealous. Why couldn't I have that?

Leaving office and having the spare time to think was what brought me to the conclusion that I had to leave DC. I found out something that was due to change my life and DC certainly wasn't the place to be for it. So I took off and hid, hid from my friends, my family, the world really until I felt ready to face them all again. That would happen in July, hopefully they will all understand.


	2. Chapter 2

Manchester – The Bartlett Farm

It was the weekend of Fourth of July and Abbey was into the preparations in a big way. It was their first time at the farm since before the White House. She wanted to make it a special one. If only she could find all the old gang to get together. Well she knew where Josh, Donna, Sam and his new wife were, but what about CJ. No one had heard from her since January. Not even Toby.

The post arrived early on the Wednesday morning with a large Fed-ex envelope addressed to the Bartlett's. Abby took it from the Secret Service agent who was in charge of checking the mail. Walking into the study, where Jed spent most of his time, she began pulling the items from the envelope. "Oh my!"

"What's the matter sweet knees?" Jed pulled himself from the chair he was perched in and sat himself down beside his wife. He looked over her shoulder to discover just what had captured his wife's attention. "Wow!" Was all he could get out. There in front of him in a beautiful silver frame was a photograph of his former chief of staff and a tiny baby. The baby was lying on a white blanket while CJ kissed the babies cheek. The photo was in black and white, so it was difficult to tell whether the baby was boy or a girl.

Abby pulled at the sheets of paper behind the frame and gasped again. "Oh Jed, listen to this, she has sent a copy of the babies birth certificate." Abby scanned it first before reading out the important information. "Name – Lily Leonore McGarry Cregg." Jed gasped knowing what was coming next. "Date of birth – 26th June. Mother's name Claudia Jean Cregg. Father name – Leopold Thomas McGarry." Abby stopped reading when the tears in her eyes became too much for her to cope with. "Why didn't she say anything?" She sobbed out. Turning to look at her husband she could see the tears coursing down his cheeks as well.

"What does the letter say?" Jed managed to say, wiping his own eyes before helping his wife.

Abby cleared her throat before beginning the letter. "Dear Mr President and Dr Bartlett, or can I call you Jed and Abby now. As you can see since I left the offices of the White House I have been busy. My adorable baby girl came into this world only days ago but I felt you had to know about her. By reading her birth certificate you know why I kept it a secret. It's been a tough nine months for me. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was almost five months along. But to look at her now, I can't take my eyes from her. She is a good mixture of the two of us, looking more like her father right now. I'd really like for you to meet her, sooner rather than later. I have a huge favour to ask you, I am planning on coming up just after the Fourth to have her baptized. I would love it if you would be her god-parents. To do a private service at the farm with just you two, myself and your priest. I have spoken to him and he has agreed to do it, please say yes. If it is all right please call 6065550123 and leave a message. Love CJ."

"How long do you think they were together?" Jed eventually asked.

"I have no idea, but can you imagine how hard last November was for her. I mean I don't think I ever saw her crumble, not once. She was the strong one. She held Margaret as she cried, stood tall beside Mallory as Mallory crumbled at the funeral, but she never did. Jed we have to see her."

"Agreed, lets call and let her know." Jed picked up the phone and dialled the number she had given them. "Answer machine." He stated as he listened to the message. "Claudia we would be honoured to be Lily's godparents and host her baptism. Please come up whenever you wish." Hanging up he couldn't wait to see her again and hold that baby in his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

CJ drove silently up to the gates of the Bartlett Farm. She glanced into the baby mirror to see her daughter sound asleep in her car seat. "Here goes nothing." She whispered to herself as the Secret Service agent opened the gate for her.

She continued down the driveway until the house came into view. What she hadn't expected to see were the cars of her friends. She could see Josh and Sam in the distance and knew at once she couldn't do it. Pulling the car to a stop in front of the house she saw Jed and Abbey exit the house ready to greet her, but they could see the panic on her face. She threw the car into reverse and tore out of the driveway.

Tears blinded her as she drove along the highway trying to find a refuge. She knew of only one. She headed upstate a little to a sleepy town called New London. She had found this place while on the very first campaign trail. It was a college town but very quiet, quaint little houses and restaurants, one of which she had fallen in love with. She headed straight there hoping the owner would remember her and have a room she could use.

Back at the Bartlett Farm Sam and Josh were dumbstruck almost when they saw how fast CJ drove away from the house. They thought she would have been happy to see them but that obviously wasn't the case. "Mrs B is she all right?" Josh asked.

Abbey and Jed hadn't told their visitors that CJ had given birth to Leo's child, they had wanted to leave it as a surprise for them but she knew she could no longer keep that secret. "Not really Josh, why don't you go and get Donna and meet us in the library and we'll tell you the story."

CJ made it to the little Inn, Peter Christian's and went inside to see if there was a room available. "Ms Cregg, what a pleasure to see you again." The friendly owner almost beamed when he saw her.

"Hi there." Her voice was betraying her with every word. She just hoped she could keep her compsure until she reached her room. "I was just wondering if you had a room free for a couple of nights?"

"Of course, in fact the room you have used before is free, let me take your bags and help you up." The elderly man walked around the front desk and started to gather the bags. "My, Ms Cregg what a beautiful baby you have. How old is she?"

"Two weeks." Was all she answered and the gentleman seemed to realise she didn't want to talk.

"Well Ms Cregg, here's your room. Give reception a call if you need anything and enjoy your stay."

"Thank you." She said before closing the door behind him. She sank down onto the bed. "Oh Lily, what am I going to do?" She spoke to the sleeping child before bursting into tears.

Back at the farm, the small group had congregated in the library. Abbey and Jed were sitting on the love seat by the fireplace. Josh and Donna were sitting on one sofa while Sam had commandeered the other.

"Guess you all want to know why CJ careered out of here?" Jed spoke first. At everyone's nod he began the story. "No one has heard from CJ since we left office until last week when we received a letter from her. Inside the letter was a beautiful photograph of CJ with a baby. It turns out CJ had been in a relationship that no one knew about for a while. She didn't discover she was pregnant until after I had left office and decided she would go into hiding for the remainder of her pregnancy."

"Who was she in a relationship with?" Josh asked, finding it hard to take it all in.

"Leo." Jed put simply. A collective gasp went up from the three younger members of the group. "They had been dating since just before his heart attack and managed to keep it a secret. We have yet to speak to her properly, she was coming up this weekend to show us the baby and have her baptized. She wanted it to be quiet but you guys were still here and I guess she got a little spooked. She doesn't seem like our Claudia Jean any more."

"What did she call the baby?" Donna finally managed to ask. She couldn't get her head round the fact that one of her best friends had become a mom and she didn't know.

"Lily Leonore McGarry Cregg." Abbey told them proudly. Just like any proud grandparent would.

After a few minutes Josh spoke up. "I have a feeling I know where she might be. There's a little inn she used to go to when we were up here. I'll call and find out if she is there and leave a message to say that we are gone and maybe she will come bck to you."

"But you guys aren't supposed to leave for another couple fo days yet." Jed complained.

"Yeah but it sounds like she needs you more than we do right now." Josh told his former boss.

"I suppose you are right." Jed replied. "Okay, you find her and get her back here. Thank you Josh."

"You are welcome sir."

A.N – The places I mentioned in this chapter, New London and Peter Christians do exist. I spent three summers in a sleepy town just outside New London and spent lots of time in the town and in Peter Christian's or PC's as we called it. Don't know if it is still there but would love to go back if it is. Just wanted to clear that up.


	4. Chapter 4

CJ drove the familiar route back to The Bartlett Farm. The secret service agents waved her through the gate as they announced to the house she was on her way. She was nervous, felt foolish for her behaviour just two days previous but the break in New London and a message to say the others had gone, brought her back to the farm with renewed hope that she could do it.

She pulled the car to a stop and glanced in the baby mirror. Lily slept on peacefully, unaware or the torment her mother was going through. CJ glanced to the old farmhouse and smiled a little remembering day's gone by.

The front door opened and Abbey stepped out. She gave CJ a small smile before retreating back into the house. She had a feeling it was going to be tough on her younger counterpart, so just letting her know that they were there was good enough just now. CJ needed time to gather herself together before facing them all again.

After ten minutes CJ felt better. She had allowed a few tears to fall, but now with them wiped away she felt ready to face her friends. Stepping out of the car she felt the heat of the mid afternoon sun hit her. She reached into the back seat and retrieved Lily from her car seat. The baby snuggled into her mother's arms as if she had always been there. "Here goes nothing baby." CJ whispered as she walked up the steps and in the front door of the house.

The house was silent, save for a little noise coming from the kitchen. She had no idea where to head first. She had always loved the sunroom at the back so she headed there. She almost felt as if she were invading Jed and Abbey's privacy, no one was beside her to show her the way, or talk to her, but in a way she as glad of that. Could she just disappear again?

She wouldn't do that to them again. She had already ran from them at least twice in the last year, she wouldn't allow herself to do it again. The sunroom was bathed in yellow light. CJ felt at home again. She walked to the fireplace seeing the photos on the mantle piece. She held the baby up. "That's your daddy and your Uncle Jed." CJ told Lily as she pointed to one of her favourite photos of Leo. "Look how handsome they both are."

Jed stood in the doorway watching the woman he thought of as his fourth daughter. He cleared his throat, announcing his presence. CJ turned and immediately he could see the tears spring into her eyes. "Hi." He whispered, afraid he would scare her off.

"Hi." She replied. The baby in her arms whimpered and CJ lifted her higher so she could nuzzle into her neck. "I'm sorry." CJ whispered.

"You have no need to apologise." Jed told her. "No need at all." He took some tentative steps towards her, almost asking permission. She nodded that she needed him and within seconds he had his arms wrapped around her. The sob that had been stuck in her throat seemed to escape and the tears flooded down her face. "It's all right, you're here now." Jed rubbed her back, trying to soothe her. After a few minutes it seemed to work and she gathered herself together. She took a step back and smiled a watery smile. "It's not every day I have two beautiful young women in my arms." He smiled to the baby.

"Where's Abbey?" CJ croaked. Her voice was a little raspy from crying.

"Probably standing outside the door. Sweetknees it's all right you can come out now." Both Jed and CJ smiled as Abbey appeared round the doorframe. She swept into the room and took CJ into her arms, welcoming her home.

No one knew where to take the conversation now, so CJ started, feeling she should explain. She lowered herself into the chair closest to her. "I suppose you'd like to know what happened?"

"Only if you want to tell us." Jed spoke, knowing his wife want all the details. He respected CJ, knowing that if he gave her the time and space she needed she would tell them everything.

"I need to tell someone." She said as she shifted Lily in her arms. The baby snuggled down, laying across her mothers legs, as if she hadn't a care in the world. "I've kept it in for so long now that if I don't tell someone, I may breakdown and tell the wrong person."

The elder couple understood what CJ was talking about. They all knew the papers would find out eventually but if they could keep it a secret just a bit longer it gave them all hope.

"Leo and I fell in love, it's that simple. It happened one dark night after Gaza. I was feeling so low, Donna had been injured, Josh was flying round the world to see her, Toby had gone to be with the twins after speaking with Andi and I was sitting in the dark of my office brooding because I felt in some way it was my fault." She shook her head before continuing. "Anyway, Leo came along and we sat and chatted for what seemed like forever, before we eventually left and went to my apartment. It felt so nice, so simple, so good. For once in my life I felt like the woman I was supposed to be. He made me feel that way. So we decided to give it a go and see how it would work. Then his heart attack happened, you made me chief of staff and all the other crap that has happened in the last year happened. But through it all Leo was by my side. He was there for me on the nights when I felt beaten, he held me tightly and told me everything would be all right and I would get through it. He always knew exactly what to say." She paused on her speaking, gazed down at the baby and wiped a tear from her cheek before she started again. "When he told me he was going for Vice President we had a big argument. We were finally getting to a place where we could be ourselves, no more West Wing, no more office gossip. We could finally be the couple we had dreamt of, but no he wanted to be Vice president andI told him I wouldn't stand in his way. But he told me he couldn't do it without me beside him. We were going to announce it after the election, no matter what happened. That didn't happen though. I had spoken to him the night before and I wished him luck. He wanted me by his side, but we knew we couldn't do that, without giving the game away."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Jed asked. "You came through to tell me that he had died and you never said a thing."

"I didn't think it was the time to say anything. Too much was needing done and it wasn't the time to break down and tell my secret. We had managed to keep it a secret for long enough, now nobody had to know."

"But CJ, you had to have been grieving." Abbey spoke up, tears coursing down her own cheeks as she watched CJ deal with it all.

"I did it in my own time in my own way. But then when we left office and I found out about this little one, I didn't know what to do. But when she arrived I knew I had to tell you. She's part of this big complicated family we have and she deserves to be known."

"CJ she is gorgeous." Jed spoke first. It had been hard for him to listen to the story, knowing his friends had been in love and he hadn't been a part of it. He would have been happy for them.

"Would you like to hold her?" CJ stood walking to the couple before they had even answered. Lily was now awake but happy in her surroundings. "Lily, this is Aunt Abbey and Uncle Jed." She placed her daughter into the arms of her lover's best friend.

Tears of joy coursed down his cheeks as he watched, enraptured by the child in his arms. She looked so like her father, but with her mothers glint in her eyes. "Well hello little one. Know that you will always be loved." He bent down and kissed her tiny hand before smiling up to her mother.


End file.
